On Making The Best Out Of A Bad Situation - Or, why I wore lingerie to a colonoscopy

Sometimes life is shit. That pun wrote itself so I won't pay anymore attention to it. We can move on.

But what do you do when you feel like Josh Peck before he lost weight and became vine famous? How do you deal when you feel like Danny Tamberelli? Do you even remember Danny Tamberelli? (Hint: Rewind to 1997 when you stayed up until 8pm with the other heathens and watched "All That". Remember "Figure It Out." That human earthworm was my first crush. Please send me money for therapy).

Faced with the undeniably sexual prospect of starving myself for two days, drinking the seed of Satan (or what doctors call, "MoviPrep,") and having a camera attached to a pipe cleaner shoved up my ass, I had two choices. Cry about my hunger and intestines disintegrating like a popped balloon animal - or own it.

How in the Lord's name on his holy day do I make a colonoscopy bearable? you might ask. Let me take you through these three simple steps. If you can survive this, you will be immortal. You will be like Cher. You will haunt twitter (IN ALL CAPS and with GRATUITOUS EMOJIS) and wear eyeliner made out of the ash from the Salem Witch Trial. You are eternal. How yum.

One: What's a sexy way to drink your laxative milk aka the bone marrow of a jackal? Easy! Blast Beyonce's "Drunk In Love." Sing I been drankin repeatedly as you pour the vile froth down your throat. Dance. Laugh when the juice solidifies and becomes a horcux that you are to later expel. You cannot be killed!

Two: Make a fun game out of the frightening turbine noises that are emitting from your stomach. Pretend it is a velociraptor and you are in Jurassic Park. Pretend you are Sigourney Weaver in "Alien" and you must battle the reptilian creature that was scientifically engineered by the Illuminati. In the second scenario, you find out the lizard is just Eminem. Ask him how he got his lyrics in "Lose Yourself" to say "Free Masons and YouTube Conspiracies" when you play it backwards. Sunday afternoons have never been more charming.

Three: Wear lingerie to your colonoscopy. Maybe you'll have a meet-cute with a doctor named Sebastian or Dante. Maybe he'll be so infatuated with your cute bralet that he'll give you too much anesthesia and you will die and then be able to star in the upcoming movie "Heaven Is For Real." Maybe he can replace your intestines with 40 yards of candy necklaces and you can be sexy from the inside out. If none of the above happen, at least you will look cute when you wake up to the sound of your own farts.

Note: The underthings at the top are what I wore while I was skewered. I did not find a hot doctor, but I was told I had a "beautiful colon." So that's something.

Current State of the Union

Wow, such an official title. I can use it because I was just asked to step in as the new mayor or Charlotte after Patty Cannon was arrested. Oops, I just gave away my location. Hopefully no one sends me an edible arrangement laced with LSD. On second thought - please.
ANYWAYS, here's whats currently trending in my life. Pay close attention, because once Phil Collins and I mate to create the superior demi-god children of the future, you'll want to be on the invite list to our garden parties.
                  IN                                                                                             OUT                  
    Danny Devito                                                                             Tom Hiddleston

You might be asking yourself, what? Allow me to direct you to this (blatantly fraudulent) tweet:

I've since learned not to trust anything written in comic sans, but just to be safe, I tweeted this:

 

Still waiting for confirmation. 

IN

Being a ghost. 

Also, thank you buzzfeed for allowing me to push the limits of my self-indulgence and narcissism beyond my wildest dreams.

OUT

Adulting. Is anyone happy? Are you happy? You are drinking hemp milk. You wear pencil skirts. You are miserable. Stop lying. 

IN

Hospital gowns.

OUT

Clothes. Lets all give up. Lets all collectively decide this is the new thing. If we all walk around in tattered socks and open back gowns no one will think its weird. The Walking Dead is still on tv. I will show you the real walking dead. 

IN

Insane amounts of self confidence. What do you consider a healthy amount? Complimenting yourself on your work ethic? Taking a selfie here or there? Watching Dove "Real Beauty" commercials and pinning Blair Waldorf quotes? No. Not good enough. Take a selfie with a lipstick as rich and dark as the blood of your enemies. Mass produce your selfie. Take the thousands of selfies and use them to cover up the movie posters at your local theater. Have a comic book of yourself commissioned. Go back in time and have Napoleon's favorite artist paint intricate oil paintings of your smirk and upper-lip sweat. Live it. Own it. 

OUT

Allowing anyone to negate your self confidence. If they try to, imagine they are whatever displeases you most. Mondays. Expired Groupons. A beetle. Bill O'Reilly. Stare at them with your perfect eyes. Watch as the realization of their inferiority turns them into a piece of dusty, dehydrated fruit. It's still Bill O'Reilly. Eat him and walk away. 

I hope this has in some way helped you. I hope you realized how much you love yourself. I hope you realized how much I love myself. I hope you realized how much you owe me. Give me five dollars.