Current State of the Union

Wow, such an official title. I can use it because I was just asked to step in as the new mayor or Charlotte after Patty Cannon was arrested. Oops, I just gave away my location. Hopefully no one sends me an edible arrangement laced with LSD. On second thought - please.
ANYWAYS, here's whats currently trending in my life. Pay close attention, because once Phil Collins and I mate to create the superior demi-god children of the future, you'll want to be on the invite list to our garden parties.
                  IN                                                                                             OUT                  
    Danny Devito                                                                             Tom Hiddleston

You might be asking yourself, what? Allow me to direct you to this (blatantly fraudulent) tweet:

I've since learned not to trust anything written in comic sans, but just to be safe, I tweeted this:

 

Still waiting for confirmation. 

IN

Being a ghost. 

Also, thank you buzzfeed for allowing me to push the limits of my self-indulgence and narcissism beyond my wildest dreams.

OUT

Adulting. Is anyone happy? Are you happy? You are drinking hemp milk. You wear pencil skirts. You are miserable. Stop lying. 

IN

Hospital gowns.

OUT

Clothes. Lets all give up. Lets all collectively decide this is the new thing. If we all walk around in tattered socks and open back gowns no one will think its weird. The Walking Dead is still on tv. I will show you the real walking dead. 

IN

Insane amounts of self confidence. What do you consider a healthy amount? Complimenting yourself on your work ethic? Taking a selfie here or there? Watching Dove "Real Beauty" commercials and pinning Blair Waldorf quotes? No. Not good enough. Take a selfie with a lipstick as rich and dark as the blood of your enemies. Mass produce your selfie. Take the thousands of selfies and use them to cover up the movie posters at your local theater. Have a comic book of yourself commissioned. Go back in time and have Napoleon's favorite artist paint intricate oil paintings of your smirk and upper-lip sweat. Live it. Own it. 

OUT

Allowing anyone to negate your self confidence. If they try to, imagine they are whatever displeases you most. Mondays. Expired Groupons. A beetle. Bill O'Reilly. Stare at them with your perfect eyes. Watch as the realization of their inferiority turns them into a piece of dusty, dehydrated fruit. It's still Bill O'Reilly. Eat him and walk away. 

I hope this has in some way helped you. I hope you realized how much you love yourself. I hope you realized how much I love myself. I hope you realized how much you owe me. Give me five dollars.