There are some really great things that have happened to me
since I graduated. I published an article. Something I wrote won an award.
Unfortunately, there is still a vine video of me sans makeup with extreme
close-ups of my bloated, moon crater pores circulating the internet, and I
think it cancels out anything positive I may have done.
But just to be clear, I consolidated a list of all the cool
things that have happened because of my English degree. Buckle up, mom and dad!
Your money was put to good use!
PROS: Your impending anxiety/IBS makes it impossible for you
to eat much and/or hold food down for very long. Hello, spring break body!
Unfortunately, by the time spring break rolls around you’ve relaxed, and are
back to consuming peanut butter toast and Wendy’s frostys at 2 am. You will
wake up in a bed full of crumbs and wrappers a la The Godfather to remind you
of your sins. You’re also fat again.
MORE PROS: You are great at yelling at people in cars. Four
years of higher education has enabled you to construct colorful insults at
rapid fire. You relish new ways to tell someone that they are a crusty ass bag
of dust. You are also adept at discussing how attractive someone is (see: ripe,
luscious). You’ve developed a superiority complex and adamant snobbery whenever
anyone talks about Shakespeare. You are really fun!
English, it’s also great for: Unemployment. Self doubt.
Three gray hairs. Rewriting the constitution. Finding out which mascara can
withstand hyperbolic, titanic cries. Finishing your Netflix queue. Failure that
will make a great memoir someday. Fantasies about crying in expensive lingerie,
which, believe it or not, is much more elegant that wiping cry-snot on your
sweatpants. You are so Hollywood.
Follow in my footsteps, kids! Dream big! But just to be safe, make sure you procure ancient healing crystals, perform a blood ritual in the Goblet of Fire, and chant "Hemingway is crap" three times in hopes that you wake up as Blue Ivy Carter instead of me.
No comments:
Post a Comment