Life In Your Twenties: An Ugly Truth

 

Unless you are a trust fund baby or a white, cishet male, life in your twenties is hard. If you are a white cishet male and I've offended you by saying this, well, sorry. Why don't you go run for senate and win and then abolish me to Antigua. You will probably be able to achieve that before I can finish this sentence, and actually I'd love to tan naked on a beach in Antigua. Please bring me a mojito.

There are so many things you'd think I would know by now, but don't. I absolutely loved my education and would not trade it for anything, but I wish I could have taken an elective called "WTF Is A Mortgage" instead of the required Human Geography. What is Human Geography? you might ask. Great question. I would like to direct that inquiry to my professor, who smoked recreational pot and rode a beach cruiser to work.

Until then, lets explore a comprehensive list of things I do not know, despite being 23 and what some may call "educated":

• Back taxes

• How to fill out a w-2

• Which leads to: what is a w-2?

• How to avoid using my email to sign up for websites that will spam me with thousands of emails advertising how to stop being such a fatass, courtesy of Dr. Oz  and some bullshit, batfart tinkle juice that is the new "miracle weight loss drug." 

• Panera is expensive, why are you still paying 7 dollars for a sandwich containing a whoopee cushion disguised as deli meat and an entire raw onion.

Fortunately, there are a few things I have learned:

• If you chew on a gumball until you give yourself TMJ you will forget how bored you are and your jaw will be so sore you'll stop talking and everyone will be happy.

• Just because someone leaves an untouched, completely full drink on the bar, doesn't mean you should take it. It should not have taken me two separate occasions to learn this lesson. 

• Incidentally, do not leave a half-full bottle of champagne if my immediate presence if you're planning on drinking it yourself and don't want to wipe grilled cheese crumbs from my face at 4 am. 

• Friends are worth more than rubies

• I am assuming a ruby cost approximately 5,000,000 gobstoppers

Now, if you'll join me in signing a petition for the creators of ABC Family and the CW to stop casting glamorous twenty-year-olds in all their shows featuring highschoolers. High school is supposed to be a time for harvesting crop rotations of acne and mistakenly using a razor to trim your unibrow. Instead, hire me to play all of the roles. I already posses a wig that I stole from a frat house in college, so that takes care of one costume change. I'd also really like to be able to afford Panera again.