Valentine's For People Who Don't Like To Share Their Food, Part Deux

The day is neigh. Entire flocks of birds have fallen from the sky. Locusts, also known as, "Seahawks fans," have swarmed the streets. We saw a shirtless Anthony Kiedis, who may have also been Cher, perform squats during the Super Bowl halftime. Valentine's is almost here. But fear not, my friends. I have gathered another round of alternative activities for all you single guys and gals, or anyone who identifies greatly with Jafar from Aladdin. 

Week Two: Yes, I have been watching the airport scene from "Love Actually" on a loop and listening to The Fray. No, I am not sad.

• Find the address of the last person you made out with. Make them a mixed tape. Include a note that says, thinking of you. Fill the CD with 20 tracks of Cotton Eyed Joe.

• Steal someone’s credit information. Use it to order 5,000 Hawaiian shirts. Tell people it’s for a flash mob at a bank. Take all 5,000 participants to the bank. Put on Baha Men’s cult classic, “Who Let The Dogs Out.” Rob the bank. No one will be able identify you in the crowd. Move to Brazil.

• Liquidate all of your assets and purchase a floor length mink stole. Put on dark sunglasses and a feather boa. Dig a hole in a nearby park. Bury yourself alive. When you are discovered centuries from now, advanced civilizations will assume you were a Hollywood Starlet, or Baby Prince George’s wet-nurse. Enjoy your newfound celebrity in the afterlife.

• Find a rip in the space/time continuum. Go to the Arby’s in which Bill Murray is currently enjoying a sandwich. Stick your arm through the portal you just created, and steal a couple fries. Remove your arm. Say nothing.

 If all else fails, here's this. Listen for 48 hours straight until Rick Astley becomes an omnipresent and malevolent demi-god. Congrats! You'll never be lonely again!

Tune in next week for the final installation of Valentine's activities. Until then, don't get desperate and make out with Andy Milonakis "on a dare." Keep it together, for God's sake.