For all of you who are planning on staring intently into the black, soulless bird eyes of your date across the table from you in search of the secret of Nihm, have fun. This is not for you. Here is the final installation of alternative valentines activities.
Week 3: No means no and yes also means no unless your name is Julie Andrews and I am now the Princess of Genovia
- Go out for a walk. Pack a N*SYNC Hit Clip and a Cliff bar. Never come home.
- Fly to Sochi. Assemble a "Cool Runnings" team of compatriots. No fewer than one must wear a high-top style of hair. All must be named "Ned." Compete in the Men's luge in a laundry basket. Nearly obtain success, but make sure your ruddy faced Caucasian competitor comes in first, as to not disrupt the order that Overlord Putin installed thousands of years ago. Win the hearts of millions worldwide.
- Play a game of Red Rover with the British Monarchy. Make sure to run between Queen Elizabeth and Prince Harry. Break between their arms, clutching the Hope Diamond in your hands and snatching it from her wilted neck. Assemble a team of ex-patriot corgis to lead you from the palace grounds. Never look back.
- Be born a woman. Work twice as hard to get half as far in your field of choice. Spend a lifetime climbing a mountain of sexism, misogyny, and menstrual jokes. Finally make in to the top. Have a hobbit sized hole carved into your office door. Tell all the men they must enter through there, forcing them to crawl in on hands and knees. Drink an entire bottle of scotch and laugh a hearty laugh.
Good luck. First one to resurrect John Candy and makeout with him wins a box of thin mints (MUST HAVE PROOF OR NO DICE).
I'm just now reading this and I say yes to the last one. New life goal, courtesy of my favorite Serbian friend. Also this is Megan *insert kiss faces*
ReplyDeleteHAHA Megan, I love you. Lets both become president and run the country via a three-legged race
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