This time last year, we were honored with the greatest
Beyonce concert of all time. It was so phenomenal, Earth said, “I can’t,” and
shut off all the lights. This year, I heard a rumor Bruno Mars and the Red Hot
Chipotle Peppers are trying to match her. It can’t be done. The Chili Peppers
are great for moments like when I want to think about the time my high school
boyfriend confiscated my iPod and downloaded every song they’ve ever done.
Bruno Mars is only good for “Gorilla,” which is only good for sexual
encounters. So really, never.
To occupy myself this year, I’ve decided to construct a fantasy team…of all the people who would exist in my dream life! Sound self-indulgent? It is. The fantastic part is that I don’t care.
So welcome, team of Meat-Men from one part of the country
and team of Hot-Dogs in Helmets from another. Here is the
2014 line-up of the Ultimate Fantasy Team Franchise- Tiana’s World.
Dream Next Door Neighbor: Sunny Obama. She knocked over a
little white girl at a charity event and became a viral video star. She shits
in the yard. She probably has great snacks and sits on beanbag chairs. I love her.
Dream Best Friend: Michelle Obama’s arms.
Dream Grandpa (Paternal): George W. Bush. Such a mess. Such
a painter. I want to rub his big acorn head. He would chuckle, hand me a nickel,
and tell me to go buy myself some lollipops.
Dream Grandpa (Maternal): Tim Gunn. Sleek. Cool. Chic. Lots
of hugs and body positivity. Catchphrases!
Dream Nemesis: Diane Keaton. We’d run into each other at a
swanky LA restaurant. She’d say something snarky and then laugh with her rows
of grey shark teeth. I’d tell her she looked great in her recurring role on Law
and Order as “corpse.” She’d shove my face into Queen Latifah’s birthday cake.
I’d push her so hard she'd fall back, clutching a nearby tablecloth in her bony
Gollum hands and rip the dinnerware from a couple’s table. I'd then cackle my
whole way to the police department where we are both booked for drunkenness and
disorderly conduct.
Dream Car: A pack of wolves attached to a wagon.
Dream Boyfriend: Tom Hiddleston.
Dream Side Boo: The Bachelor, Juan Pablo, who saw me walking
down the street during production and promptly quit.
Dream Reconciliation After Tom Catches Me With The Bachelor,
Juan Pablo: Tom stands outside my bedroom window with a boom box like in a John
Hughes film. He wears a leather coat and plays my dream Beyonce song.
Dream Beyonce Song: All of them. Tom stands outside my
bedroom window for four days. I am very busy.
Dream Thing To Be Reincarnated As: The most loved thing on
Earth; a pinterest board titled, “Pies, Cakes, And Cookies :)”.
Dream Elvis Impersonator: Elvis, who faked his own death so
that he could live in my closet and read me Berenstain Bears books.
Dream Red Carpet Gown: Frasier Crane’s bathrobe.
Dream Lover: Genie from Aladdin or the voiceovers for
Planet Earth.
Dream Exercise: None, because I perfected the science of
cloning and body modification, so I have the head of myself with the appendages
of a Victoria’s Secret model HAHA.
Dream Way To Wake Up: Tropical birds fly in through my window
to remove the sheets from my genetically modified body. Beyonce, who is also
living in my closet, immediately starts singing the line “I woke up like this,”
and doesn’t stop until one of my male concubines, (they are all named “Penis”)
hands me my angora fur slippers. I rise. The world takes a collective sigh of relief.
Sounds plausible. Now, back to your above-ground pools filled with queso and various meats wrapped in Pillsbury crescent rolls. I've got work to do.
Sounds plausible. Now, back to your above-ground pools filled with queso and various meats wrapped in Pillsbury crescent rolls. I've got work to do.
