It's 3 weeks out until Valentine's. Truly don't have much more to say on the matter, except I am very excited for the Russel Stover's heart shaped marshmallows to go on sale at exactly 12:01AM on February the 15th. For those of you who don't have a significant other or a nearby zoo to get drunk in and mistake every alpaca for Gene Wilder, fret not. I will compose a list each week of alternative activities, that can be performed alone or with a partner. I prefer alone, because I will not give you a bite of this rice crispy shaped like a XO. Stop asking.
WEEK ONE: "I don't believe in the commercialization of a fabricated holiday but I will buy these Dove chocolates, on principal of them being delicious"
- Illegally download 6,000 different versions of Michael Franti’s “Say Hey (I Love You)” and go to prison on pirating charges. You will make lots of new friends, and even more potential valentines.
- Buy all of the chocolate in Walgreen's so that those sad saps that waited until 11:45 on Thursday the 13th to buy candy for their girlfriends will be shit out of luck. Place it all in your bathtub. Breathe sulfur fire on it. Warm to 101.2 degrees Fahrenheit. Bathe.
- Buy a python. Name it Watermelon. Fashion a top hat to his head and set him free in either a Kay Jewelers or Frederick’s of Hollywood dressing room.
- Buy envelops. Print out wallet size glossy photos of Maury Povich. Sign you are the father on the back in classic western calligraphy. Deliver them to your neighbors with no return address.
- Make cupcakes. Decorate them in pastels and icing to look like candy hearts. Write NO on every one. Eat them.
- Recreate George W. Bush’s self-reflective shower portrait. Paint yourself into the mirror on the wall. Have meaningful eye contact for the rest of your life.
See? Life is grand. Tune in next week for more fun activities that don't involve Netflix and self-loathing.
No comments:
Post a Comment