Men Are Experts At Women's Fashion, But We Can Help Too!

We’ve all seen those nefarious “Women’s Fashion” articles. You know the one’s I’m talking about. “Top 10 Trends Men Hate,” “Styles Women Love That Men Don’t,” “Why You Can’t Keep A Man, Starring Your Peplum Blouse.” Personally, I think the reason I “can’t keep a man” is because I don’t fucking want one right now, but sure, the peplum is a great scapegoat. I think it makes my waist-to-ass ration look fantastic, and honestly I’d rather have a body that looks like the letter S than worry about what anyone thinks. But hey, maybe that’s just me.

But I feel so sorry for men! They’ve been left out of all this fun. We women get to enjoy unsolicited advice about our appearance from the random strangers in Time Square that Seventeen Magazine stops to ask why we're so hideous. And yet men don’t get to reap the same benefits. Where would we be without Johnnie from Hoboken telling us that our high waisted shorts give us unattractive FUPA pockets and weird underbutt? I say its time we pay attention to these poor, neglected, ill-advised men about their fashion. So here it is, you morbid, frumpy, flatulence infested men- a list of all the fashion trends you love that we really, really hate.

1. Snap Backs

What is it about these hats that are always disproportionately larger than your head that you find so appealing? The only logical reason I can think of for wearing a soup bowl on your head at all times is in case someone happens to have a bag of Chex mix and you’d like a vehicle for serving the snacks. Perhaps you think that by wearing a OBEY hat that could hold a regulation-sized basketball you’ve somehow tricked us into thinking your head is bigger, and thereby your brain is as well. We aren’t fooled. You’re wearing a Lakers snapback and you’ve never been to California. You look like every other guy who would go to Lids and shell out 40 dollars for a grotesque polyblend head bucket. In other words, dumb.

2. Chubbies Shorts

The name alone should have served as a detriment and advised you to leave Vineyard Vines, but somehow you prevailed. And now you own these ugly as sin shorts that skim above your knees and rest uncomfortably in that fleshy, upper-thigh section of hair meat. To be fair, its mostly frat boys who have damned themselves by walking around in what can only be described as the standard outfit for medical weight-loss before pictures. You don’t think high waisted shorts are flattering? I’ve got news for you- THESE ARE WORSE. What is it about that flaccid section of atrophied leg that you’d want to draw attention to? And the colors. So pastel. So wrong. You look like the ungodly combination of female golfers in their bemudas and a Paaz dipped egg.

3. Frat Tanks

These are not for the Sisterhood of the PBRs exclusively. I’ve seen them on guys of every make and model, and they are as ugly on Mark of the Divine Ya Ya’s as they are on Bill from accounting who has Dilbert comics taped to his monitor. I thought maybe you were tying to get in on the side-boob trend. The only man I’ve seen who pulled that off seamlessly was Chris Hemsworth as Thor. In other words, not a mortal. Definitely not you. You are not leaving the impression that you are at the gym. You are not subtly hinting to me that you work out. You are telling me that your delicate collarbones are too sensitive for full fabric shirts and your nipples probably chafe easily. 

4. Anything that would be appropriate at an EDM festival

If you’re at a festival, that’s okay. I don’t care. Pop molly. Crochet a belt. Memorize exactly one Henry David Thoreau quote and then tell people you're a transcendentalist. The minute your vulgar sandal toes leave the sodden, shit-stained tent fest of post-grads “finding themselves,” it’s unacceptable. Maybe you think you look like a DJ. Maybe one time you and your buddy accidentally played a YouTube video while your Dave Matthews Pandora station was still on and thought it made a “cool mashup,” but I’ve got a tip. We don’t want to speak to DJ's. Ever. When you show up at a bar looking like you’ve just made a cameo in an Ashton Kutcher film, I want to pay for your GED classes. You look like your rock band failed and now you work at a Subway. 

Well guys, I hope this was an enlightening experience for you. I’d like to thank you for all the times I’ve been told my striped pants looked like “Beetlejuice” or that I shouldn’t cut my hair because guys like it long. It was great advice. I’ll hand you my thank you letter the minute you perfect the manipulation of the human genome and can alter your entire self to look like Ryan Gosling. Thanks!