Good Friday: A Man I'd Like To Know Biblically

It has been a very big week for Tom Hiddleston. A very big, very luscious, lip-biting, totally ravishing week. First, the new Jaguar 2014 commercial that's scheduled to air during the Super Bowl drops. In it, we see Tom sipping tea out of a cup trimmed with what I can only imagine is gold he procured from a mineshaft simply by eyeing it salaciously. (For the video, click here). Then, Elle UK released their upcoming article on Tom for the March 2014 issue, in which he details his first kiss when he was 10. My first kiss was also when I was 10. It was with my lifeguard, whom I assaulted by climbing onto his back and planting my thin, Caucasian lips that are comparable to a deflated balloon near his mouth area. Not everything is romance, I guess.

All of this I could handle, and even then, I was just barely making it through the day without taking screen shots of every picture of him and sending it to all of my friends. But now, as if we weren’t all suffering enough, the team of sadomasochists in great lip colors at Elle released an exclusive video of Tom Hiddleston doing parkour through the streets of London. Here he is, taking a quick detour from his cute marathon run to ascend a wall.

Besides the obvious physical properties that would cause me to ask “how?” my biggest question, Tom, is why? Why would you scale a wall? What do you need? Are you robbing a bank? Is this a diamond heist? Are you now an illicit member of an underground criminal ring like Oceans 11? Whatever it is you want, I will give it to you. No, I don’t think you heard me correctly- I will give it to you.

He’s running stairs. Why are you doing that? Don’t you know physical exertion is for people that hate themselves? Stop it. You just got signed to do a third film in the Thor franchise. You’re the star of a timeless theater production that’s now being broadcasted worldwide. Your ass looks like two scoops of butter pecan ice cream. Stop punishing yourself.

So, my dear Tom, that's been my week. Absolutely tormenting. Would love to lay down as man and wife. Let me know what you think about that.

xoxo

Tom Hiddleston looking luscious in a helicopter on his way to destroy the European Union

Happy Tuesday everyone. The new Jaguar commercial featuring British villains has arrived. I’m not interested in talking about Bald #1 or Bald #2. They are both interchangeable for Vin Diesel and make me want to stare at my own reflection on their volleyball heads. No, today we gather to discuss Tom Hiddleston, drinking tea like a smug a-hole on his way to steal your girl.

I have often asked myself, what is it about this man that makes me simultaneously hear “I Believe in Miracles” and Snoop Dog’s “Sweat.” Is it the cheekbones so stiff and defined that they look like a rock formation in the Alps? The lean, tight body of someone who watches their intake of refined carbs and GMOs? The cheeky British accent that makes “stiff upper lip” sound erotic? Yes. All of that. Tom Hiddleston is the physical embodiment of a cartoon sun wearing sunglasses. Too hot, too cool, and the blood vessels in my eyes have ruptured from staring at this video for too long.

Watch. Enjoy. Join me in my agony as we reconcile that the only chance of a relationship with tight pants Tom is via The Sims.

 

well played. 

Men Are Experts At Women's Fashion, But We Can Help Too!

We’ve all seen those nefarious “Women’s Fashion” articles. You know the one’s I’m talking about. “Top 10 Trends Men Hate,” “Styles Women Love That Men Don’t,” “Why You Can’t Keep A Man, Starring Your Peplum Blouse.” Personally, I think the reason I “can’t keep a man” is because I don’t fucking want one right now, but sure, the peplum is a great scapegoat. I think it makes my waist-to-ass ration look fantastic, and honestly I’d rather have a body that looks like the letter S than worry about what anyone thinks. But hey, maybe that’s just me.

But I feel so sorry for men! They’ve been left out of all this fun. We women get to enjoy unsolicited advice about our appearance from the random strangers in Time Square that Seventeen Magazine stops to ask why we're so hideous. And yet men don’t get to reap the same benefits. Where would we be without Johnnie from Hoboken telling us that our high waisted shorts give us unattractive FUPA pockets and weird underbutt? I say its time we pay attention to these poor, neglected, ill-advised men about their fashion. So here it is, you morbid, frumpy, flatulence infested men- a list of all the fashion trends you love that we really, really hate.

1. Snap Backs

What is it about these hats that are always disproportionately larger than your head that you find so appealing? The only logical reason I can think of for wearing a soup bowl on your head at all times is in case someone happens to have a bag of Chex mix and you’d like a vehicle for serving the snacks. Perhaps you think that by wearing a OBEY hat that could hold a regulation-sized basketball you’ve somehow tricked us into thinking your head is bigger, and thereby your brain is as well. We aren’t fooled. You’re wearing a Lakers snapback and you’ve never been to California. You look like every other guy who would go to Lids and shell out 40 dollars for a grotesque polyblend head bucket. In other words, dumb.

2. Chubbies Shorts

The name alone should have served as a detriment and advised you to leave Vineyard Vines, but somehow you prevailed. And now you own these ugly as sin shorts that skim above your knees and rest uncomfortably in that fleshy, upper-thigh section of hair meat. To be fair, its mostly frat boys who have damned themselves by walking around in what can only be described as the standard outfit for medical weight-loss before pictures. You don’t think high waisted shorts are flattering? I’ve got news for you- THESE ARE WORSE. What is it about that flaccid section of atrophied leg that you’d want to draw attention to? And the colors. So pastel. So wrong. You look like the ungodly combination of female golfers in their bemudas and a Paaz dipped egg.

3. Frat Tanks

These are not for the Sisterhood of the PBRs exclusively. I’ve seen them on guys of every make and model, and they are as ugly on Mark of the Divine Ya Ya’s as they are on Bill from accounting who has Dilbert comics taped to his monitor. I thought maybe you were tying to get in on the side-boob trend. The only man I’ve seen who pulled that off seamlessly was Chris Hemsworth as Thor. In other words, not a mortal. Definitely not you. You are not leaving the impression that you are at the gym. You are not subtly hinting to me that you work out. You are telling me that your delicate collarbones are too sensitive for full fabric shirts and your nipples probably chafe easily. 

4. Anything that would be appropriate at an EDM festival

If you’re at a festival, that’s okay. I don’t care. Pop molly. Crochet a belt. Memorize exactly one Henry David Thoreau quote and then tell people you're a transcendentalist. The minute your vulgar sandal toes leave the sodden, shit-stained tent fest of post-grads “finding themselves,” it’s unacceptable. Maybe you think you look like a DJ. Maybe one time you and your buddy accidentally played a YouTube video while your Dave Matthews Pandora station was still on and thought it made a “cool mashup,” but I’ve got a tip. We don’t want to speak to DJ's. Ever. When you show up at a bar looking like you’ve just made a cameo in an Ashton Kutcher film, I want to pay for your GED classes. You look like your rock band failed and now you work at a Subway. 

Well guys, I hope this was an enlightening experience for you. I’d like to thank you for all the times I’ve been told my striped pants looked like “Beetlejuice” or that I shouldn’t cut my hair because guys like it long. It was great advice. I’ll hand you my thank you letter the minute you perfect the manipulation of the human genome and can alter your entire self to look like Ryan Gosling. Thanks!