It has been a very big week for Tom Hiddleston. A very big,
very luscious, lip-biting, totally ravishing week. First, the new Jaguar 2014
commercial that's scheduled to air during the Super Bowl drops. In it, we see Tom
sipping tea out of a cup trimmed with what I can only imagine is gold he
procured from a mineshaft simply by eyeing it salaciously. (For the video,
click here). Then, Elle UK released their upcoming article on Tom for
the March 2014 issue, in which he details his first kiss when he was 10. My first kiss was also when I was 10. It was with my lifeguard, whom I
assaulted by climbing onto his back and planting my thin, Caucasian lips that are comparable to a deflated balloon near his mouth area. Not everything is romance, I guess.
All of this I could handle, and even then, I was just barely
making it through the day without taking screen shots of every picture of him
and sending it to all of my friends. But now, as if we weren’t all suffering
enough, the team of sadomasochists in great lip colors at Elle released an exclusive video of Tom Hiddleston
doing parkour through the streets of London. Here he is, taking a quick detour from his cute marathon run
to ascend a wall.
Besides the obvious physical properties that would cause me
to ask “how?” my biggest question, Tom, is why? Why would you scale a wall?
What do you need? Are you robbing a bank? Is this a diamond heist? Are you now
an illicit member of an underground criminal ring like Oceans 11? Whatever it
is you want, I will give it to you. No, I don’t think you heard me correctly- I will give it to you.
He’s running stairs. Why are you doing that? Don’t you know
physical exertion is for people that hate themselves? Stop it. You just got
signed to do a third film in the Thor franchise. You’re the star of a timeless
theater production that’s now being broadcasted worldwide. Your ass looks like
two scoops of butter pecan ice cream. Stop punishing yourself.
So, my dear Tom, that's been my week. Absolutely tormenting. Would love to lay down as man and wife. Let me know what you think about that.
xoxo
